Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A Muslim brother reverts back to Islam, SubhanAllah
I was an agnostic for two years, but even before that I never had complete yaqeen. I didn't do anything, I was never away from the deen in practice, in fact I practiced throughout, I continually prayed and fasted and everything, but did not believe in anything I was doing, doubt had overcome me, I was praying and it was like in my head "you're deluding yourself, praying to something that doesn't exist".
I could not find satisfying answers to the fundamental questions in life, where did I come from, what is my purpose, where am I going, is there a God? I was introduced to philosophical and psychological concepts in university, and that shook my belief. I sought God in modern science, because Muslims would always say that the Quran says this and science confirms it, so the Quran must be right. To me modern science was the measuring stick, the decider of what was true and what wasn't, and the more that I looked into modern science the less I saw God, all I saw was no purpose, no chance, no imminent scientists where believers in God, they where either atheist or agnostic. My mind was rocked, and my heart now broken.
I had nothing, the world was being pulled from underneath me, everything I believed in was being torn apart, I was drowning. I doubted everything, words cannot describe it, it is truly the worst thing, nothing can be worse than losing Allah, I say that from experience. But I still prayed, even if I doubted that there was God, that "please save me Ya Rab, don't forsake me." I clinged to the verse, ""Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere." (2:153)
But despite all my reading, nothing did. Until one day, whilst running in the park, during the approaching sunset, I looked up into the sky. There was cloud cover covering the setting sun, and then out of no where, beams of light penetrated through the clouds, it was like a rain of light, and for reasons beyond my explanation, I regained yaqeen, I regained certainty, I believed in God. It was as if Allah pulled me from the waves of unbelief and disillusionment and planted me on a life boat! SubhanAllah, it may sound sentimental, but that's how I regained certainty in my heart, my heart was settled.
But I still needed to regain intellectual certainty, and Alhamdulillah, through the Grace of Allah, I ran into a lecture by Prof./Sheikh Seyyed Hossein Nasr on Modern Science and Islam, and it was unlike anything I had ever heard before, it pointed out that modern science isn't what we think, it isn't objective, it is based on a philosophy, on certain unprovable presuppositions. At the same, I was reading a book on The Meaning of the Qur'an, and it had passages from Frithj of Schuon's book Understanding Islam, and subhanAllah, it was like strikes of lighting from Heaven, every word resonated with me. So I began to search them up, and found that Schuon was Nasr's teacher, and they were part of the Traditional School of thought, and the rest was history. They, by the Grace of Allah, destroyed what what been destroying me, and returned me to my own deen, to the ulema and scholars who had answers to what I was going through, but I could not see, Alhamdulillah.
It also helped that during this time we had a subject in uni about epistemology, that is, "how do we know what we know", and that subject also helped in destroying this idea in my mind that science was the judge of truth, alhamdulillah.
This was all one year and a half ago, alhamdulillah :) Now I am a better Muslim for the experience, and Allah is Most Wise.
SubhanAllah, Alhamdullillah, Allahu Akbar